Ruminatings

Interesting, always interesting...

The feeling of being caught in the middle has always intrigued me, and it has been a recent topic of thought for me. On one hand, I feel very stressed and angry most of the time. I'm not a very happy person as of late. On the other hand, I have some of the best friends a guy like me could ever ask for. I cherish and love my friends, and appreciate that they usually listen to me complain about my life. And on the other hand, I feel so alone and so helpless that I feel like simply giving up. It's been a tough feeling to describe. I feel very separate and distinct emotions, and yet I feel nothing at all at the same time.

The urge to run away and disappear (again) has been almost overpowering. My mind seems to be torn in two, between running and not looking back and rebuking myself because running away would be quite possibly the stupidest thing I could do right now. And even though I know running would be stupid, I can't help myself from entertaining the idea from time to time. Because while stupid, it would be the easy way out.

Another option I have is to sit back and let life pass me by until I'm too old to deal with any problems I have. This seems to be an attractive option because it means I literally have to do nothing. And doing nothing feels like a fun thing to do right now, thanks to various circumstances. This is probably the easiest idea to mentally dismiss while physically performing it. I don't want to let life pass me by and leave me an old man crippled with regret from opportunities missed, yet at the same time doing nothing means I stay comfortable.

The third option I currently see is to stand up for myself, take action, and get things done. And of course, this is the exact opposite of option 2: very easy to mentally resolve to do, but most difficult to fulfill. It's amazing how difficult I've found it to actually motivate myself to do something, especially when it'll cause ripples in the waves. I hate causing problems, I hate causing pain. Yet, most often for me recently, solving my personal problems means conceivably causing some for others.

I tend to hate my current position, caught between a rock, a hard place, and something pointy. No matter what option I choose, there will be problems. However... Thinking about it at this moment, there's truly only one option available to me if I truly desire to move forward in my life. I can't let everything pass me by, even though it means I could potentially avoid most, if not all, issues all together. I can't run away from problems, because in my experience problems have a nasty habit of following you wherever you run.

That leaves only one option, though to be honest, I really don't want to have to do it. At the same time, the way events are beginning to transpire, I'm going to be forced to do it whether I want to or not. Getting me angry is a very effective way to get me to stick up for myself. It'll take a long time, trust me, but eventually I will get pushed over the edge. Lord have mercy on the poor person who finally does push me that far. Hopefully it will never happen, but it seems fairly inevitable, especially recently.

And yet, through all this stress and not wanting to do things, I'm still alive. More than anything else I can currently think of at the moment, I suppose I have that to be thankful for. And while I may have moments of insecurity where I'm fairly certain the people I know wouldn't really miss me, I generally come to my senses and can think of at least 1 person who still wants me around. And really, knowing someone wants me around and actually sincerely enjoys my company is probably the best feeling I've ever known.

And even through all this muck and nastiness I'm going through right now, there's one thing I'm pretty sure for certain: By the grace of God, through the fire and the flames, I'll carry on.