Apathetic Way to Be

I have always found it amazing how things can change so rapidly, even just in the course of a five minute period. One minute, something fun and enjoyable could be taking place. The next, disaster strikes, or news is received and the day goes down the tube from there. While things do not always happen as rapidly as this no-doubt exaggerated example shows, it is quite possible, and happens probably more often than any of us are willing to admit.

And while it often is not nearly as serious as something life-threatening or something with major ramifications, it does often affect at least the rest of our day. Something of this sort seems to have happened to me, around 6 PM last evening. I am not entirely sure how the change occurred, or indeed what even brought it on. My mood simply changed in a not-so-positive direction, and it has decided to stay there for the time being.

Many people are not willing to embrace thoughts or actions concerning apathy, and it is probably due to the fact that they simply do not care about apathy. That in and of itself is quite the cruel irony. Apathy can be a very dangerous thing, whether other people acknowledge it or not. The mind set of simply not caring, it can be the lowest one ever feels.

I would even venture to say that being apathetic is the closest one can get to being dead while still living. And yet, even though I can recognize and fully admit that sentiment, a major part of me is finding it hard to really care. That feeling is precisely why apathy is so dangerous. If you stop caring, you stop doing. If you stop doing, you stop functioning. If you stop functioning, you stop living.

Apathy and numbness are two halves of the same side of the same coin. While it is possible to have one without the other, it generally does not occur. In my personal experiences, once I start feeling numb, I stop caring about everything in general. To be honest, it does scare me a little once I realize I have begun to feel numb. But then again, not long after I realize this, I tend to simply stop caring once more. Therefore, the entire bitter cycle repeats itself, sometimes for up to days on end.

I find myself in the midst of one of these cycles today. I am not completely certain as to why I am, and yet, I am having troubles caring. At this point in time, I find it hard to care about most anything, even things I am normally quite passionate about.

I suppose one thing that has never helped my apathy situation is my own self image and self esteem. I make it no secret to others that I have never had a high view of myself, and I am rarely confident in my abilities to perform just about anything. Ruminating on this more, I believe this may in fact be the reason I am so prone to spells of apathy and mental/emotional numbness. The fact that I have next to no confidence in myself is the reason I seem to stop caring about much else. If I cannot even care for myself, why should I care for other people or other things?

I also realize that these feelings will pass in time. They always have, and I would not be surprised if they were even gone by the time I lay my head down to sleep tonight. At the same time, they may decide to stay in my head for the rest of the week. I am not really sure. But, as has been the theme in this post, I cannot bring myself to care.

Yes, being apathetic is a pathetic way to be. At this moment, I don't care.